Having pretty bad writers block recenty. I have been pushing through though. As usual with this time of year, memories of Zeffee have got me inspired.
When I speak of writers block right now I’m meaning things can feel so (pardon my french) fucked up that my brain doesn’t even have the damn words for form a sentence. Confusion is strong when you’ve been left without answers, nor resources. I’m already a nosey ass person. Thats why I love what I do.
I’m also a private individual who prefers a limited circle. Lately I dont even know who is in my circle anymore. I have a few forevers I suppose though. I am figuring it out one day at a time. My understanding is growing too, with those I thought didn’t want to be in my life. I realize that when you pull away, everything else does to. You attract what you put out and I have been putting out the energy of a confused individual. So I have been receiving that as well. Confusion in communication, or lack of it.
I’ve been pretty hush hush about my current life, and lately I have had many many gifted individuals who knew nothing about me before hand give a run down of my life, telling me things I already knew. I have been in complete denial about the fact that I have not been vocal at all. I have not spoken my truths because I have not been living with me at the center, or top or how ever you percieve that.
I’ve been rediscovering Aliesha. It’s been interesting and terrifying and beautiful. I know what and where I want to be and go, I have an amazing plan in my mind that just in some way does not completely work for anyone else. Baha. But it’s not suppose to!
I have no idea what the fuck I am doing. I’m in the weirdest living situation known to anyone, like seriously. I dont understand it at all and it doesn’t feel completely wrong all the time, but thats because that was and still very much is my safe space. It’s been what I’ve known for a long long time. I made decisions and was not prepared. I have always been such a spur of the moment person.. sometimes it bites me in the ass. I keep trucking though…
I’m living with my best friend, and husband who I am separated from..as roommates. Like dude, it doesn’t get much weirder than that. But ya know it’s been kinda cool to not separate the girls from their dad… I tell myself that because I feel really crummy. He is rediscovering him too, and we are both getting to know one another again.
Want a little background info.. I dont have a license, they expired when we moved back from Texas and I have never gone to get a new one for this state. I dont have a car and I feel super judged at my families because we have different beliefs that I dont think they could get past it to allow me to live freely the way I wish to live. Am I wrong? For me I dont think so. We already discussed the fact that I kept a limited circle. Did I mention half that are internet relationships because I’m a slight hermit. Awkward!
Like what the fuck was I thinking? Right? And while I grew and fell in love with a very special person, I feel the spite soured a few mouths for me. And I lost some of people that I loved. But I guess they weren’t meant to stay? I do miss them though.
Okay so back on track. Lmao
I left my husband without leaving, he left at first, but then I let him come back because the girls. We decided separate rooms was best for our situation. We were single. roommates…with kids.. and we are also married. We covered that already though didnt we. He has the new van we got a few months before, I was going to get the old car. Seemed fair, nope that ended up not happening because I didnt communicate well enough. I wasnt speaking my truths if you recall… and with that I was losing my mind.
It’s really hard to get over someone you still live with. Especially when they have taken certain bigger steps to improve themselves.. I must admit I have been impressed on more days than not. But on those “not” days I remember why I made those decisions. What’s sucks is that sometimes some of those things are so small, and would appear to be rather insignificant to most. But they send me into flash backs and I will almost just shut down.
It’s really hard for me to separate that energetic connection being around still. I do try to as much as possible though. I’m a sponge to energies already, his is so strong and I’m so use to it. It’s easy to let my guard down….
We are both working through life right now. After Zeffee died I think peta of us went away too. We lost them somewhere out there on the road between here and Texas. We dont travel those roads much anymore, but those pieces are finding their way home to us. We are healing and learning to be independent and courageous in this beautiful chaotic world.
Whether we are together or not, we do care for one another and we want the best possible futures for each other and our children.
Zeffee in ways brought us together, and in ways he also pulled us a part. Neither of us had been living our truths and neither of us were happy in what we had become. We lost our individuality, as so many parents do. We had our healing to do, and we had held on to so much. There wasnt room for growth in the states we were in, but we were given the opportunity to further who we are and want to be. It may not be the conventional or convenient way to handle things, but it has needed to happen for the both of us.
I am okay with where I am. Because i know where I am headed. This is the start to a beautiful new life with me at its center, with him at his center, where we can both grow in all the ways we are meant to for our purpose in this life. I do not know what will happen, but I am intrigued by the possibilities.