Yesterday we came across a box that hasn’t been opened in 6 years. A little box of Zeffee. Oh the sweet memories that I was thrown back to!!
See that yellow preemie outfit on the left? I dont remember that ever fitting him, the diaper was huge at first too. In fact Zeffee was in newborns for nearly the entire first year of his life. Then he started to get longer and clothes became very awkward. He has a few 9 – 12 month outfits that were still too big on him when transitioned at 23 months old.
He was 14lbs. So so tiny! I never even realized how tiny he really was until I had the girls and they were HUGE! No I’m not just being extra, they got so big so fast. Nova was passed 14lbs before she was 3 months old. Both the girls were 30lbs at 6 months. It was quite the difference from our sweet boy and I very much enjoyed it.
I held Zeffee almost constantly, a baby carrier would’ve been nice back then. I’m sure anyone who had the pleasure of keeping Zeffee for any amount of time would feel the same, but it wasnt often I was away because he was very particular. From the way he was held, to the way would lay to sleep at night. He was very different than most babies I had known. He was unique, just like his name.
It was strange finding a box of clothes for a baby who was always naked though. I remember him in very few outfits really. The ones pictured are a few of them that really stood out to me. With him always being hot and his g-tube (feeding tube), being naked was just the best option, plus he had such bad reflux and I just didnt want to do that much laundry.
Its bittersweet. None of them smell like him, and I’m sure for any parent who has lost a child, finding clothes from said child that have lost their scent is hard. I long to smell his scent, because like his name and his personality, it too was unique and I miss it every single day.
Being a Medium has allowed me to create a relationship with him after his earthy life, but there are many physical qualities that I do miss. I feel him very deeply, like I did when he was physically here, but I rarely get to hear him, smell him and I never get to touch him. Those things do still get to me. And still I dont always know how to answer people who ask how many children I have. I do still struggle. Just not in the same ways I once did.
I have 3 children. If you look closely you will see him in their faces.
It is a beautiful thing to have a child guide you though. Venna has started to ask about him and I dont always have the answers for her. How do you explain the absence of an older sibling to a younger one??
Everyday seems to bring me more healing from the exceptional pain I carry. I live my life and I dont fear losing my girls anymore. Around the 23 month mark in always got anxiety, and would have flash backs of that morning.
But 7 years ago today, tonight I had an amazing time with that boy. We stayed up late. He still had some congestion from his cold. But he was awake and calm and he just whispered sweet things to me. I feel he knew it was his last night and for some reason I felt I had to cut his hair that night. I had to get it finished. I had to and so I did….